Hadrian's Wall Trek - The night Before

 

From Christine:-

So it is now the night before the start of our walk. Thought it would be good to do a bit of reflection. How do I feel? It's been quite mixed over the last couple of months, sometimes up, sometimes down.

What started out as excitement and a personal challenge because we were going to have a nice chilled walking holiday without the kids has now the addition of a bit of anxiety and pressure of meeting peoples expectations. Don't get me wrong, we are still going to do it, and probably a bit nervous but we will no doubt get into the flow of things once we are out there. However, I know I would have felt much worse if I haven't learnt the skills and coping mechanisms that Mind and other similar support groups have offered.

The previous me,  would have set myself unrealistic targets because I needed and was expected to be the very best. I would probably have trained everyday, walked the fastest pace and longest distance, but it would never have been enough.  I would have plans, to-do lists and spreadsheet trackers coming out of my ears.  Sleep would be affected because even though I've ticked off my list, I would be thinking of all the things I should be doing, worry about what I haven't done, what I haven't packed, feeling a failure because nothing is going to plan or not even in the plan. I wouldnt realise of course, but I would have got tired, irritated with everyone and everything, but I wouldnt show it either because others will of course judge me.  I will power through, most likely at the expense of my physical and mental health because so much is expected of me. I can't let anyone down.

But then why is everything taking so much effort, I'm questioning why a lot. Was this the wrong decision? Should I have even bothered? Who would have cared? I'm really tired, and it all feels too much of a chore. I have failed. I can't even do a simple walk and I have let everyone down.  Now even worse I am a burden to everyone because they are now worried. I'll just crawl into a hole and hope no one notices anymore. I can disappear.

Well, no more of this. Thankfully, I can spot my triggers now and reach out for help, and each time it does become a little easier. Mental wellbeing is different for everyone, but for me I have learnt acceptance and being kind to myself. I tell myself I don't need to be perfect, no one is judging except myself. It is ok to just be ok. I've learnt to appreciate the small things in life, I have missed so much on my speedway. Now I'm on a stroll, taking it all in. I feel much calmer now, more observant, better perspective.

Thinking about the walk, I have to tell myself, "dont worry just enjoy it". Its not a race, I just need to get to the goal in my own way, at my own pace. We have already won, we have donations, we have raised awareness of mental health; we have time as a couple enjoying the countryside. We are physically and mentally fitter. Can we do more? Sure!!! But I won't destroy myself over it, because we've done good already. 

So my message is that if you or someone you know are ever in doubt and unsure of yourself, or something doesnt feel right, have a chat to someone. It may be nothing, but it might one day save a life.

So a good night's sleep for now ... see you soon.

Christine 

04/08/22